Chapter 9: Just the Truth

I was looking for truth.

Did I find it? It’s more like it found me. He found me…

On the last night of Electric Forest, I took the last of the acid. I was sitting with the group during String Cheese Incident’s final performance, the real climax of the weekend. At one point I stopped paying attention to the stage. A feeling of peace washed over me.

I had a sudden realization. I looked around at the crowd, at every individual, and I saw them truly as they are: as my spiritual brothers and sisters. Everyone was beautifully unique and each of them was put here for a reason, and I felt an intense love for all of them.

If they’re my brothers and sisters in some spiritual sense, then who is our father?

God. It dawned on me like a fire catching in my gut.

God. I had shut God completely out of my life. Here I am living a life where I decided I didn’t need him. I’m drugged up in a forest looking for answers. What a prodigal I’ve become, and regardless of this he hasn’t given up on me. He is reaching out to me in the midst of my self-indulgent, drug-fueled vacation, in my darkest hour.

A sadness washed over me. Did anyone else feel this way? I looked around and my eyes fixed on a heavy man sitting right next to us. He wasn’t watching String Cheese either. He was lying on his back, eyes open, staring straight up at the sky. He looked completely zonked out. I wondered to myself, “Is he happy?” I felt like we were all lost souls out here. Beautiful children of God, but so terribly lost. We’re out on the edge looking for happiness and we might just slip off.

I suddenly felt guilt. It pressed heavily on my heart. It felt knotted up and I found it hard to breathe.